There has been a reason why I haven’t written here for a long time. Mostly it has been bitterness that drew me away from putting my thoughts down.Also it has been a kind of sadness. The likelihood of my ever doing another course of treatment is very remote. Mainly because I haven’t the finances left to carry on trying, the strength to do so, nor the ambition to do months of treatment only to fail once again.
The preceeding months to this short note haven’t been the best times of my life. I have grown weaker in body. Needing to use my upper body strength a lot to get by for simple things like simply standing, it has finally failed me. I no longer have the sustained strength to exert the muscle action to do just such a simple taken for granted thing . I tried to return to work early last year and even quite recently. Recently, more through necessity than last years failed attempts. I find I get confused quite easily now. I battle to hold a train of thought for any period of time. I get big blank periods where I ‘m not sure what I am doing or where I am.The cramping of my legs and arms are painful and regular. the loss of sensation below my knees almost complete. They feel like strange attachments ,not part of me but very sensitive to anything that scratches or presses on the skin. The loss of sensation is more one of a lack of feeling deep inside my lower limbs. I feel pressure but it seems like I have had the limb go permanently asleep on me. Hard to explain as I am loosing the ability to form words. I forget .
I have been left with a feeling of disappointment in my long time employer. I worked at the company from almost the day it opened, I worked for low pay when it was in difficulties. Worked 30hr shifts without a break when the pressure was on. Took problems home to try and solve them for the following day. Times when I was injured on duty I just carried on working to get the job out. I did this and more for 24 years. I received not one penny in all that time that I didn’t work for. In fact I had been short paid frequently, had holidays not paid to me. Went 2-3 weeks a few times when the money was short before I my salary was paid. All that never really bothered me that much. what is upsetting is I get a phone call that they want me to resign one day, 2 days later I get another call, no I must come back too work as they were overloaded. I worked for a week or so but this sickness is too strong and I was getting sicker daily. So I told them that I couldn’t do the heavy work that they wanted. So 3 days later they want me to resign again. So I said no fire me. What I get is an e-mail from a secretary saying there is a letter I need to pick up.( Wouldn’t say what it was about). The letter was all the necessary papers needed for the unemployment office. Not a thank you for your service, card or even a letter wishing me well with my life. They even made an appointment time so that I would pick it up when the owner/boss wasn’t there. So I hope the little snot nosed bum boy catches a syphilitic sore which rots his festering ,kiddie ,didling ,knob off. The butt licker didn’t even invite me for Xmas lunch this year past and I had worked 4 months in that year.I wish him a long and prolong life, where he can suffer long and slowly, as parts of him rot and fall off.The last thing, seconds before he melts into a putrid puddle of puss, that he will feel or smell in this world is the big pile of shit he is. Wow that feels good.lol.
I’ll delete this later but that was cathartic..And bugger if I don’t publish it with the hopes that one of these hoar's from the pits of hell that scratch his ballsack read this and tell him.