Sunday, May 16, 2010

this will be deleted .

There has been a reason why I haven’t written here for a long time. Mostly it has been bitterness that drew me away from putting my thoughts down.Also it has been a kind of sadness. The likelihood of my ever doing another course of treatment is very remote. Mainly because I haven’t the finances left to carry on trying, the strength to do so, nor the ambition to do months of treatment only to fail once again.
The preceeding months to this short note haven’t been the best times of my life. I have grown weaker in body. Needing to use my upper body strength a lot to get by for simple things like simply standing, it has finally failed me. I no longer have the sustained strength to exert the muscle action to do just such a simple taken for granted thing . I tried to return to work early last year and even quite recently. Recently, more through necessity than last years failed attempts. I find I get confused quite easily now. I battle to hold a train of thought for any period of time. I get big blank periods where I ‘m not sure what I am doing or where I am.The cramping of my legs and arms are painful and regular. the loss of sensation below my knees almost complete. They feel like strange attachments ,not part of me but very sensitive to anything that scratches or presses on the skin. The loss of sensation is more one of a lack of feeling deep inside my lower limbs. I feel pressure but it seems like I have had the limb go permanently asleep on me. Hard to explain as I am loosing the ability to form words. I forget .
I have been left with a feeling of disappointment in my long time employer. I worked at the company from almost the day it opened, I worked for low pay when it was in difficulties. Worked 30hr shifts without a break when the pressure was on. Took problems home to try and solve them for the following day. Times when I was injured on duty I just carried on working to get the job out. I did this and more for 24 years. I received not one penny in all that time that I didn’t work for. In fact I had been short paid frequently, had holidays not paid to me. Went 2-3 weeks a few times when the money was short before I my salary was paid. All that never really bothered me that much. what is upsetting is I get a phone call that they want me to resign one day, 2 days later I get another call, no I must come back too work as they were overloaded. I worked for a week or so but this sickness is too strong and I was getting sicker daily. So I told them that I couldn’t do the heavy work that they wanted. So 3 days later they want me to resign again. So I said no fire me. What I get is an e-mail from a secretary saying there is a letter I need to pick up.( Wouldn’t say what it was about). The letter was all the necessary papers needed for the unemployment office. Not a thank you for your service, card or even a letter wishing me well with my life. They even made an appointment time so that I would pick it up when the owner/boss wasn’t there. So I hope the little snot nosed bum boy catches a syphilitic sore which rots his festering ,kiddie ,didling ,knob off. The butt licker didn’t even invite me for Xmas lunch this year past and I had worked 4 months in that year.I wish him a long and prolong life, where he can suffer long and slowly, as parts of him rot and fall off.The last thing, seconds before he melts into a putrid puddle of puss, that he will feel or smell in this world is the big pile of shit he is. Wow that feels

I’ll delete this later but that was cathartic..And bugger if I don’t publish it with the hopes that one of these hoar's from the pits of hell that scratch his ballsack  read this and tell him.


Anonymous said...

Rest in peace beautiful friend xxxxx

carol said...

RIP my friend. It was a privilage to know you.

I Did Not Die

Do not stand at my grave and weep.
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow;
I am the diamond glints on snow.

I am the sunlight on ripened grain;
I am the gentle Autumn’s rain.
When you awaken in the morning’s hush.
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.

I am the soft star that shines at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry.
I am not there;
I did not die.

- Anon -

My Other Blog said...

Rest in peace, Colin. Your struggle touched people all over the world. I will miss you.

Si~ said...

For those who are not aware .. 'CeeGee' passed away at 1.13pm on 17th June 2010, succumbing to a cerebral aneurism/blood clot after a life-long struggle with haemophilia complicated by Hepatitis C contracted from tainted blood transfusions.

Not one to dwell on his problems, Colin always helped others affected by similar problems and those undergoing treatment for HepC whilst living life to the full and presenting a caring positive and wickedly humourous attitude to life.

Colin leaves a wife and two daughters, and will be sorely missed by countless friends worldwide, as evidenced by the great number of eulogies that have reached his family and friends personally and from various social networking sites and forums.

Colin Michael Goodman .. a good friend, one of the worlds real men .. pragmatic, humorous, intelligent, self-effacing and considerate .... I'm proud to have known you and call you my friend ..May you rest in peace, never forgotten. Your mate, Simon.

Anonymous said...

I am sorry to find that Colin has left us. He meant a lot to me when I was struggling with my hepatitis treatment. His consideration, support, good humour and interesting stories reached all the way to me in Sweden. I am sorry for your loss, and ours. Kind Regards Camilla

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