Friday, March 5, 2010


There is a great sadness in me.
It didn’t come suddenly .It has grown in the months post my last relapse report.I put a lot of energy into doing the treatments. There was hope that I would actually beat it. I still do ,but circumstances are against me and I for one cannot see away clear of things. I have had to fight all my life to have one that at least held the semblance of normalcy. Up to recently I had always managed to work around things and through effort achieve what was necessary. Outwardly I look healthy enough, it isn’t always the way the the virus shows it’s presence,the way you look. Fatigue and other things like stiffness, water retention, pain and what we call brain fade had driven me to do the treatments. Been 6 years now,since I first treated, maybe the progression was slowed by the treatments. But my functionality has increasingly reduced. Discomfort has multiplied and I have never been so weary of life as I am now. My body and spirit is tired.
Financially I’m, so to say, in the kennel.This illness has taken from me my health, such as it was. My wealth and the spark of what was me. Nothing left. The last few months I have been trying to find a way to survive in the world, pay bills and continue receiving some form of medical treatment . I have found no solution, the will to work and earn is there , but in reality I no longer have the capability.

To survive each month I have had to pare back on my standard of living. Draining my savings and investments. All the time hoping that I will start to improve health wise and get going earning again. Dieing now is the reality for me. I accepted that a long time ago, I had hoped that it would be quick and relatively easy. But it seems I will go out slowly , struggling and finally hating life. I only hope that it will not be too messy an occasion.
I have no wish to see my family, dragged by my expenses in trying to remain alive, living in poverty. I know what stress finances has put on me, that doesn’t help my health either. The stress it is causing my wife and our relationship is getting a bit much now. It is all I treasure, have treasured in life. So it may be time now to plan that party.
Sorry I can’t invite my friends ,but this will be a one man occasion I’m afraid.
But one thing I can honestly say. I tried my best. I did it almost alone and apart from a few words, mainly platitudes, received no actual support from any one.
Financially the company I worked for has not given me a cent more than I worked for. If anything they have actually taken from me, what they owe and haven’t paid for ,quite often over the last 24 years. They have been no help at all. I have had to find out all what I may be entitled too on my own.
Find out who I may need to contact about the legalities of my next move without assistance from the management.
I could actually drop them in the shit as I know where the skeletons lie and what illegal transactions were done, but I will not.With them I feel disappointment not anger. Their turn to stand in my shoes will come.
Do I feel bitter, yes I suppose I do. But then again it will get me no where.

This is today. A blue day. I have had a few consecutive blue months. I think I’m allowed that indulgence.


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carol said...


Sounds like you are having a crap time. Have sent you PM on forum, please, if you get time and feel up to it, do read.
Thinking of you.

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dragonfly said...

Hi Colin,
I'm sorry that you are feeling so blue. This is a truly dreadful disease and it always feels that we are on our own. please don't feel that nobody is thinking of you and wishing you well.
Dragonfly xxx