Monday, October 5, 2009

Nunc Demitus

Today is the one of many similar non events. The filler in ,between days. The only thing to remark about this one is I woke up, eventually.Will I comment on how my body is functioning, probably not. I am alive and I guess that is better than a lot who didn’t make it through the night.Am I depressed, clinically yes, but I have had much worse and still found my own presence with me.What has changed? I am no longer me, I’m not even someone else. I am nothing, neither dead nor alive I am just here.
Burned out, tired of life and tired of being.
You imagine that when you are drawing near to the end of things that you get a sense of release. That time when you have achieved that what was meant for you.I guess it is not so. I think it more a slide into not really giving a damn because it doesn’t matter for you any more.
If it was a case of accumulating positive thoughts and prayers, hugs and good wishes. Then I should have an over abundance of such things.
Inside I hold tears which I have no way of releasing. There comes no respite, I dream the dreamless sleep of those who are world weary. My tiredness is not just physical, it is me. My spirit, hopes and thoughts are tired. It isn’t the tiredness of well spent energy, of a good thing done of having achieved. It is the tiredness of those who have strived, put everything they have into achieving, only to have it taken from them at the last minute .Also ran’s in life. I am an also ran, although more of an also plod in my case. I am in the crowd, unremarked as a runner, of people in a marathon. The finishing line is just that little bit further on and out of sight. Who remarks about those who are not last, but fall out in the middle, who really cares.
Still not a good time for me to blog so this is it.