Monday, May 4, 2009

Reflecting once again.

I think that one of the hardest things to do is find your place in life. That comfort zone , where all that you do is in cruise mode.It is hard enough when you have your youth. When everything is a learning curve upwards. Where you are gaining experience and finding out who you are. But as you get older you take on responsibilities beyond that of just yourself. That is when any change has major repercussions.  A planned for change will maybe be a little uncomfortable, but it is done with care and fore thought. But what happens when things get thrust upon you. Panic , confusion and chaos reigns supreme and it takes a lot of effort and sacrifice to get over.

Having Hcv is never a planned thing, illness you usually look at as being a temporary thing. Something that eventually you will recover from and then just carry on with your normal daily life.For a few fortunate's it has little affect on them . They catch the virus , it is detected early and they treat and are over it without any ill effects. For others it is like a dark cloud, casting it’s shadow to differing depths of darkness.

In a time of chaos it becomes increasingly harder to make provisions for the hardships that come about. You can only change a way of life to a certain limit, cut your budgets by a certain amount, make changes until a way of life becomes unrecognisable. Where do you go when things go on beyond that.Some go to the depths of despair, become self destroying with depression . Others lash out for the hurt they feel inside. The helpless hopelessness of their daily burden. When you can’t have the relief of blaming yourself , some one must be to blame. But who?
For me it was just one of the unfortunate things in life. Eventually it would be inevitable that I would catch some thing from my life saving treatments. It is with fortune that it wasn’t worse. I have in general had a good life. Hard and painful I will admit but I was and for the most part still am well satisfied with. I have reached that place with this illness where I have climbed to the top or the ridge, a foot either side of the peak. Having neither a way up nor rushing down the other side. ( It is hard work going up, I’ll leave going down to gravity). So perched on top of this point I have no choice to which way I will go. Down into the chasm to disappear for good or be whisked away by helicopter and rescued.

What I find difficult isn’t the balance of being on life’s precipice, but actually financing that balance. For the majority of my life I have been in engineering, I have run a factory with over 70 employees, I have gained experience of different processes and differing forms of engineering and have achieved a good standard of skill in those abilities.Those points in my life are not in question.Approaching my mid fifties it is harder to learn new skills and be competitive enough to make a living. At interviews more often than not you are looked at as being too qualified at the job and will not be happy with what’s offered.Or that you are to fixed in your ways an not flexible enough.How flexible do you need to be when Butt kissing? That aside, try looking to change your job when you have the health problems and the likelihood of them getting progressively worse.Being in a trade where cuts are routine and you are a haemophilic with Hcv. What do you do?
It is a dilemma for sure and I am yet to find away beyond it.

I have reached that stage in my life where although I have the ability to work and work well. I no  longer have the strength to do so. My legs are weak , my muscles have no strength left. Dizziness my constant companion. Balance which has always been a difficulty,very hard to maintain. With the damage to my pelvis for years it has been a conscious effort on my part to maintain  a standing position, not an unconscious and reactive one. My days are spent in discomfort, depression is always on the doorstep waiting to enter. Will I once again get passed this place I am in life or is this it. What I do know is my nature is not to despair, the days still have their warmth for me and it is not time for dusk , not yet anyway. Giving up or giving in sounds okay but really isn’t an option. Some how some way I will survive and there will be plenty of sunny moments to enjoy.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

i'm counting on the helicopter appearing ;).