I must apologise for my last thread. It is just that there are times when the unfairness of it all gets to me. When I was a child these times were looked at as being the golden years of the future. When poverty would be eradicated and the world would be a more sociable and friendly environment. If it has become that then I am afraid that society set it’s goalposts far to low. There has been a series of events in my personal life that I can not talk about. These have dropped my spirit to an all time low.
In recent weeks I have been searching for a forum or even a discussion centre which was more accessible to me here in South Africa. I haven’t found one on line in Africa ,let alone down here in the so called progressive South. You may ask then why don’t you set one up yourself. It isn’t for the lack of time, I have plenty of empty hours. I confess that I do not have the knowledge and the necessary computer literacy to do so. Neither have I the funds to make it work. Local information is scarce and spare in facts, facilities and availability of treatments. Abuse of others from computer virus, spamming and Trojan invasions is rife. I would not have a clue how to prevent any of that. So I feel very alone down here, yet I know that there are more than a few people with Hepatitis C living South of the Sahara. Africa , often used as the testing station of drugs and procedures which would not be be permissible in the western hemisphere, is financially better left in the dark by the drug companies. Develop the drugs, test them on the populations and then get out. There is little money to be made from actually making them affordable here.
A truth about me. For a few months I have been in hiding. I have slowly , progressively ,got weaker and sicker from the virus. I haven’t been working, I should at least make the attempt to return to work. But it is a catch 22 situation. Inside myself I know I am no longer capable of exertion for more than a few minutes at a time. It takes me longer to recover from those few minutes than the actual time I can put in. By not going into work I can maintain the belief that I have still got a job. The company I am with are actually very good with this, they haven’t sacked me, but then again it costs them nothing. Medical insurance, pensions and labour council fees are coming directly from my own funds. No income just expenses. When I finally do return to work I know that the dream will end. The full realisation will hit me and I will no longer be able to kid myself that I can function in the normal world. After a life time of battling through pain and all the other difficulties haemophilia has given me I will succumb to a little almost invisible microscopic bug.
I would like to say something about my wife, Tracy. We have been together for more than a few years. Living with me has been tough on her, she has a strength of character which I doubt many women have. She has shared all these years of having to be wife, mother and nurse for me and my children. There has been many occasions where helplessly she has been with me when I have been in extreme pain. Having to be there and go through the suffering, not being able to affect anything but just being there. Having to live for months at a time with the stench of fresh blood, stale blood, cleaning up the mess when I am unable to do anything. Help set up drips and giving me injections when I have been unable to do so. The sleepless nights when I have been close to death from haemorrhaging. Let alone the last few years which have been some of the toughest. I underwent two major surgeries and had to be resuscitated twice on the last one, three years ago. It was a long hard time to recuperate from that for me. Especially as I was been having treatments for my Hep infection. Through all that she has been my support and my love. Love does exist. She shows it every day and I marvel that I was fortunate to have found it in her. I haven’t got a clue what she sees in me but what ever it is I hope that I will never loose it. She deserves more, a life which isn’t so stressful and full of worry. She still believes in me, even when for myself ,I have lost that belief. Young love is exciting and full of promise, but I can tell you from experience old love is a harmony, a well known and comforting song. One where the words are not important but the tune is one that is vibrant ,comforting and full of memories. I think I will end now and go hum that tune.