Tuesday, February 10, 2009

A war in my worlds

I think that there has come a time to take stock of my world. The chances of my one day beating the Hep C virus are optimistically bright. As  the casualties sustained in this war mount there are times when I feel that it is just getting too much. For a while my spirit flagged and I was prepared to concede that I was going to lose the war. But in reality it was just one battle in a series of battles. The final winning or loosing battle yet to be fought.
In a lot of aspects I have gained much.  Humility,friendship and a view point which is only gained from viewing life as member of a group of people who have a sudden darkness thrust on them.
Patience in the extreme has to be learned. For nothing is a quick fix in the treatment and management of this virus. The highs and lows seesaw back and forward every day. Having to manage my health most of my life ,my expectations where not beyond reality.But one thing I have found is a sense of insecurity. I for one ,need to have something that is fixed to build my plans on , my hopes and wants for the future. That is sadly lacking.
It seems to me that gradually you build a shell of discomfort about you. Things don't quite fit. I, most days, carry an intense weariness with me. Almost a total lack of energy which causes  a state of diminishing drive. The sick drowsy headache I have persists all day. Not intense, it is just enough to be a distraction, a back ground noise which irritates. I have difficulty making decisions , I have lost my confidence in things, stuttering through the day just keeping up. A feeling of panic just under the surface ,making my stomach tense and churn.
I often sit and think that I have become a hypochondriac . Are my symptoms all in my head, am I really feeling ill, why don't I look ill?  It has almost become a complex, I feel that my day consists of excuses and that the people I work or deal with have thoughts that I am playing sick.


In some respects I am fortunate that I work for a boss who understands that I am battling to be fit for work.  But I am wondering if I am being wise. The work can be very physical, mentally draining and is extremely stressful. Non of which is sustainable for me. I don't recover from what was a normal working day any more.  Often it takes weeks for me to recover when my health slides. It may be better for me to loose my job, find one which suits my present capabilities and return later when I am more able. I used to be a master at my trade but I can feel it slipping away. Being indecisive does not help when you are dealing with high costing projects and materials . When one mistake  will either compromise a life or be the difference in profit or loss on the job. I am beginning to make silly mistakes. At the moment not ones that have any effect ,but leave me with a sense of dissatisfaction. I am not working to the standards which I expect and prepared to accept.

I suppose I could write a list of all the ills that Hep c has brought on. But it isn't any different than what many others suffer and today it is not what I want to dwell on.

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