Sunday, February 1, 2009

Thoughts on life

I had a chat today with one of the ladies with whom I sometimes message. It led to my thinking on things , this eventually led me to musing on the worth of ones life. I have on a few occasions been present when a life has finally come to it's conclusion. I often wonder is it a time of celebration of a life well lived ,or one of sorrow and regret of an ended relationship . Death I feel isn't an end to a relationship, because if you are true, thoughts will still come back to those who have passed. I think that death holds far to much power over us, that we are so scared of dieing that we forget to live. It may in my case be a wanted and welcomed visitor when it does arrive . I am not so brave that I want to struggle and be in pain fighting for those last seconds. I have no fear of it but in it's manner of visiting that I fear.
When my dad died he had an awareness that it was coming. My mum and he seldom went to the beach in the evening. Sitting in the car he asked my mum to see if the boat had beached itself . She asked him what boat and he said the one that was calling him off of shore leave and was sent to fetch him. He hadn't been on a ship on duty for 16 years. He then rested his head on mums shoulder and closed his eyes for the last time.
My aunt Dorothy was my second mum. She was dieing ,cancer through out her body. She fought it for a year and was just a skeleton. When she was finally bed ridden, towards the end ,I couldn't visit her. I hate the smell of death. I also wanted to remember her as the big , laughing robust woman she always was.
The week before she died she ordered that I was to be fetched we needed to talk. She had been taken home so she could pass with her family near. So I had to go, ushered into her room she told her son to open her curtains she wanted to see me in the light and enjoy my visit. She asked me to tell her the truth. So I did, she was terribly afraid of dieing, we sat and talked for hours.No one else was allowed in. When she asked, is she going to die ,I said yes and she thanked me , every one else just said she will get better. As I had died several times and been retrieved she asked me what it was like and I told her I hadn't a clue. For me there was no bright lights, tunnels and dead friends and relatives. As she believed that I have the power to heal with my hands she asked if I could heal her and I told her it wasn't within my abilities, not since I was a child. So we joked and laughed about things, about her marriage to my uncle and how I had given her strength to carry on and enjoy life after he died. I asked her how she wanted to meet death and she said not afraid, as she had so much she still needed to do and her children , all of whom were grand parents themselves ,needed her. She was in great pain they had already removed her stomach and was being kept alive through a pipe and drips.I remember how translucent her skin was and how her thick white hair shone.She asked that I pass her the strength to go on with what was coming . So I did, for we both believed that everything can be shared and that strength can be given to another. Not physical but spiritual.  After several interruptions from my cousins saying she should rest I said that I wouldn't be back in this lifetime for her and I would say my goodbye now. I wasn't allowed to go without hugging her and she struggled up . So I did so, she was like a blade of grass , so thin and bent, nothing just a whisper between the sheets. She told me I was always her special child and I guess I was. She passed one morning a few days later, she told her son that she was feeling no pain and wanted to see the sun. He went to fetch pillows and was gone when he got back. She got her wish. Peace and no pain at the end.

I let my mum down , she was alone at home when she died. It was between TX's and just after I had a major op 3 months before.I was not too well myself at the time and battling to work. She had come out of hospital two days previously and was supposed to have been taken straight to a recovery clinic. A home care nurse was supposed to be there for at least a week to help clean her and change her dressings. None ever turned up, excuse was she died before it was organised. So how is it they sent her home. I'll never forget the look that was on her dead face , shock pain and you can see she had fought for life till the end. I didn't pop in that morning as I was going to spend the afternoon there and cook some things for her so she had some hot meals stored away for a few days. One of her cousins lived across the road so she helped get my mum ready for the day. At 8am mum asked her to draw her rent money and she went off to do so. There was a problem at the ATM as my second cousin had forgotten the pin code and on return found my mum dead. So she died alone , the people she shared house with said they heard her call but when they called back to ask if she wanted some thing she never replied.  When I got there the first thing that they asked me was had my mum got her rent money yet as they needed it. My mum had paid 3 months in advance I found out later. So with everything else I had to pay her rent. It took 7 hours to get the body removed. The guys that came for her were to puny for the job so I had to carry her down the stairs. I took the head and they the legs. My MUM DIED ALONE  that was the one thing she didn't want to do, she didn't want to die ,let alone, by herself. It must have been terrifying for her, she choked to death on phlegm which she couldn't clear as her lungs were to weak. This cause a heart attack which pushed her over. I will burn in hell if there is one I'm sure. But I was going there anyway. Another thing on my long lists that I need to be forgiven for.

So 3 very different aspects of a daily occurrence.My choice of death. Given time ,pissed as a newt partying to the end .I don't care if I'm naked or clothed I just want to have fun and enjoying the moment. Yep that's me , I spoiled a lump in the throat moment.  I'm still alive so the party hasn't happened, but is still under construction. Life is the reality and that is where it should be. Out there and real, not a fairy tale with grand endings . No one lives happy ever after, but you can be happy before the hereafter.

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