Monday, January 19, 2009

Wish my arse wasn't so big...

I often wonder if anyone reads this ,but for myself it is cathartic. I find that it frees my spirit and allows me a medium to concentrate my most immediate thoughts. More often than not I don't publish, hence I achieve an unloading and a reference of my feelings at that time.
I have been going through a very difficult period  lately and must admit to having the want to end  the journey through life. There has been things and thoughts that I have been trapped with that I cannot and could not share. I have had an out drawn period of self disgust and personal loathing which I am still trying to work through.  It is a sad time when the day becomes a burden too you, one when you wake up and you fear the  impermeable monotony of what is about to come.
It is comparable to being on a very small traffic circle , one that has no exits save the one you entered it on and your vehicle is running out of fuel. Do you speed up and get nowhere faster, or slow down and get nowhere in as long a time as possible? Now just imagine that each revolution makes this circle shrink in size, eventually you will catch up with yourself and disappear up your own arse. So that in effect is what you become ,someone who is going nowhere and will be your own event horizon and rectal implant all in one foul swoop.

Imagery is all that has sustained me lately, not even the virtual on line world has brought enlightenment too me.
I have now the strongest feeling that I will loose my place of work. I find that no matter what I try I cannot sustain the mental or physically abilities it requires for any period of time. The circle is reducing for me very rapidly and I can see my arse already , in more ways than one. Tracy has, no matter what ,been my strength through this all. I wish I could hold the positivity in everything working out like she does.
I have been having heavier and more frequent bleeding episodes and now I am actually having through the skin bleeds. Ones where without a wound ,blood comes out of my pores. It hasn't happened often but is very disturbing. MY BLOOD IS CONTAGEIOUS. My latest Pcr was not a good one my viral count is tripling every time I have one.
I have achieved that state of Nirvana where I'm physically too tired to feel tired. I am exhausted and I only have been posting for 10 min's or so.
My  brother Steve is still battling on with his treatment, like I did he finds that progressively it becomes harder each month. He has responded and is at present almost two thirds through his treatment. But it is more than likely that he , like me, will not sustain a negative viral count for long after treatment. His only advantage is as of yet he has little liver damage and the TX will allow this to go on for longer. I do hope he achieves full svr status, he is my baby brother after all.

This year is going to be the make or break financial year for me. Maybe that is what is pulling me down into depression. The choice which I have to make is ,do I continue paying for my increasingly expensive medical insurance, or stop it. Two thirds of my monthly income is going out on medical services of one kind or other. I stop it and I will have to rely on a practically non existent public health service which also charges high costs to those with any assets. I will then have to rely on poor quality untrustful medications. Out of date , badly handled blood products and a lack of the necessary tests to keep things going health wise. All that it achieves is lip service to an outside world beyond the realities of life in Africa.
Africa is not a place for the sick, poor  or uneducated.. You would be eaten alive if you are. South Africa is not what you see on the TV. Only the varnish is in the first world ,the actual picture is painted in graft, corruption, blood ,theft. Apartheid has ended but has been replaced by a plutocracy. Politically the freedoms so much espoused is not in effect. The country is still led by the wealth and corrupt power of the minority. Only the colour and faces have changed.In a collapsing system standards are lowered , health ,education and employment being  the main losers. I often wonder if the rest of the world realises that the future of this country has been more or less placed in the hands of  a bunch of w..kers who are relying on a the football world cup to pay for and bring the needed funding of investment into this country.

Personally I wish it was just a white elephant and not the whole damn herd they are putting the future on.

Well if you have now managed to wade through this diatribe I thank you. But it has done me good.


Anonymous said...

Although I don't often comment, I do often read your blog. I wish things were easier for you my friend. You've been dealt a lousy hand and you've done the best you could for so long. I'm not surprised that you're getting tired now. I'm no longer at the f-place but would like to keep in touch and will send you my addy if you want. You are without a doubt, one of the most kindest, gentle spirited man I have ever had the priviledge of "virtually" meeting.

Starbux said...

hi col

Sorry to hear you are not doing so well. Last year was a really bad year for you and i so hope this year is better. You always brightened up the forums with your kind words and we would all love to have you join in again. Thinking of you.

Anonymous said...

Colin....thinking of you at this time and just to let you know that I hope things get better for you.
take care