Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Reflection from a puddle.

I suppose that the last few entries in this blog have been very somber and full of self pity. I guess it is the level of frustration I have found myself at. Frustrated with myself , the world and life in general. If you follow the self help gurus they say keep your self active get up and form a routine. Set yourself goals, small ones that are achievable and build on the success off achieving these goals. My thoughts are this. It is very fine thinking and acting along these lines, but depression isn't something that comes on suddenly. Your not happy one day and depressed the next. Unhappy maybe ,but there is a vast difference in being unhappy and depression, depression is a gradual decline.I have had problems due to my bleeding disorder all my life. In the main I have managed to work around and get a sort of viable relationship with this.  The discomfort and manoeuvrability problems can be worked out by effort and a sustained endeavour. I can't say it is from a sense of strength of mind or will power , but one of gradualism and necessity. Luck also plays a big part in it.
I , for one , have found that my present problems  vastly different and the approach taken to get beyond it still not obtained.  I haven't found a way of  living beyond what is present at this very minute and I have really tried. For a while I had a feeling that to a greater extent my failing abilities were ones of a lack of fibre and drive on my part. It is not so.
As an analogy imagine this. Life and health is a metal can. It is bright and shiny when new, created unique it has it's own built in defects. It is built to hold something and does so adequately if not perfectly. Through the course of time it becomes dented and scraped, shaped by it's use and environment. Occasionally the purpose for what it was originally created for is changed by the circumstances of it's environment. Dented and scraped it still can keep safe it's contents. One day a virus comes along, rust in this case. A little sand paper and paint is applied, for the time being everything is still sound. But the rust isn't totally removed and it comes back and spreads. Repairing is fine but the walls of the can are thinning. Each time a little more rust is not removed and eventually pervades the whole body of the can.  Time moves on , the walls have thinned now that in places holes appear. The contents now start to leak out. Again repairs are made but now the walls are so thin that the strength and integrity is compromised, repairs are less effective and last for shorter periods. One day there is no wall left to apply the repair , the rust has removed all the original material , the contents can no longer be held safely and gradually leak out.  The shape and idea of the container remains but the functionality is lost for ever.
So today I am the can, Hcv is the rust and the story may end the same. Thank god there is fibre glass ,slapped on the outside it can keep the contents of the can in for a while longer. I'm still waiting for my fibre glass. Maybe even carbon fibre. But if this old can of a body is worth it I'm not sure. I think it all boils down to the fact that there is only so far you can  push yourself and there must be a point where what you are achieving is as good as it gets. It doesn't make things any easier, but by blaming yourself for your weakness is self serving and achieves nothing. Accept that you have weakness may even become weaker, but keep the hope going that there will be . There must be a time when you have to be a looser. Winning is important but loosing isn't the end of things. It just means that there is still something to gain and in itself is a goal.  Maybe just out of reach at the moment ,but one that is still present and could be achievable if you keep on stepping in that direction no matter how slowly.
My present goal is a small and achievable one and that is to uplift my spirit and regain my passion for things. To look at the beauty that is the day and wonder at what it means to just realise. To be is the most wonderful thing isn't it. It doesn't really matter what you are just that you are!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Col
I read what you wrote in the f-place about the injectable anti-spasm med. If It's botox, I'll buy the dregs :)
Terri