Wednesday, December 31, 2008

It's been a crappy year

!image001 Well it's the end of another year. Not one of outstanding achievement on my part.Personally unremarkable, just a case of hanging on and riding it out. It has been a hard one on me though. It is surprising how soon you can be replaced, displaced and forgotten. Lately I am no longer included in any plans for functions, trips or decisions regarding the future. It goes beyond being ignored, I just don't exist in the big bad world. It's loss for I find it is better to slip unobtrusively into the back ground . You get a view of who are your real friends and who are the ones who are using you. No it's not paranoia, people like to ride on your shirt tails and take the icing from the top of the cake. No icing and they move off to other cakes. Aside from some financial pressures I had/have been forced to be more static and less reactionary than I usually am. I have had plenty of time to sit back and think on things and I have noticed much. Stored for future use it will come in handy later . My years of being physically able too cope is I am afraid passed . I have had and will have to make some changes. I have also noticed that my ability to think and sort problems has declined, the brain has slowed right down and it takes longer to think things through. I once was fairly capable of mathematical problems and now battle to understand what was fairly rudimentary problems I sorted out not that long back. I have also noticed a change in my short term memory, also I no longer dream. I used to have glorious vivid dreams. I can't remember when I had my last one.
The last year has also brought on a progression in the strange lack of sensations in my hands and feet, my ability sometimes to manipulate and grasp small items and the constant muscle spasms. The cramps are wicked and often leave me bruised for days. My blood pressure and sugar levels are monitored regularly but my eye sight changes from day today so it isn't due too blood sugar or blood pressure. My main worry is my feet, the continuous fluid retention in my legs and the swelling of my feet is giving me some distress. Extremely painful and resulting in joint bleeds and further damage. I'm in dread that one day the circulation will be destroyed in my feet and they will be  amputated. I'm sorry but that will be one thing to much and bugger this illness and the chances of  beating it I will kill myself.I have no interest in quantity of life and I have had a life time of restricted quality. It would not be worth it to go on. Yes it is the wrong thing but I have the choice and as I believe that this is all you get , you live , you die and then nothing............
So next year will be a better year for me, depressed I am as low as I get. Tomorrow I restart the fight to affect what I can and go with what I can't. I am down but I'm not out.


Anonymous said...

Hope 2009 is a good one for you Col, you deserve it!!

All the best, Love, Heatherxxx

Anonymous said...

Colin, I read your blog and my heart cries. You are such a good man to have to go through so much. There's nothing that I can say that will make a difference in how you feel but I do want to send you 1) A huge tight hug that lasts for an hour. 2) A suggestion to get your ammonia levels checked if you haven't. I wish you and Tracey all the best for 2009.