Monday, November 3, 2008

When the tiredness sets in.

I thought for a long while now that when I first fell ill from the side affects of having Hep C  that I had already felt the depths of tiredness. In those days it was a physical tiredness, one that with a little rest you recovered from. But indeed it is far more than that, it is a pervasive thing it fills all your moments. It even seeps into your private thoughts, everything is an effort. You even stop wanting to get better, you just want it to end , one way or another.
I am now reduced to the automatic, wake up, wash, eat so I can take my pills, drive to work. Fight through the day waiting for the working day to end. Shower and change on arrival at home, eat, receive and send mail, take my evening pills. Look at TV , not absorbing  what is on the screen.  Go to bed sleep for an hour and then wide awake body screaming for sleep ,mind in a place of it's own. Socially just managing to show up but with no presence, just quietly melting in the back ground. I have ceased to exist.

Tracy now worries that I might just end it all, but it is unlikely. Not believing in a life after death I know that this is all there is and that there is still beauty in the world , although it's aspect has significantly reduced for me. I have resigned myself to the fate that I had fought for five years, the virus has won it's fight and I haven't the will to try again to beat it. Everything has the right to life and only the fittest survive.So if in my body the virus is fitter then so be it.It after all has the same creator as I have and the design for life is not mine to argue with.
Since my last relapse I have searched and read about the latest research and developments in the fight for a cure, there is no wonder drug just another hand of cards to be played in the game and you must just accept the hand that is dealt you.

Yes this is a very low time in my life, I am tired. I have become weak and I feel even amongst others who are suffering , very alone. Slowly my life is melting in a way that I cannot reshape into any resemblance of normality. Sadness is too light a word, grief in the loss of what was never a perfect life is all that is left. I guess that I may be very nearly at the bottom of my well of life and it is very dark and empty. I cannot see a light up above. Maybe tomorrow, maybe never........................................

2 comments:

Nikki said...

So your fight has ended. You were a true warrior and an inspiration. You may not have beaten the hep, but you still have the sunshine on your face, the smell of early morning, the love of a wonderful woman, and through it all, you still provide for your family.
No matter what you do, or where you go, you will always have my friendship. You have become my big brother, and I will love you always.

Nikki xx

LaurieBluesGuy said...

Hi Col,

we got a lot of rugby to watch this autumn (bloody lucky today - you lot),

wish we could watch it together, and one day we will.

B strong bro,

Lau