Monday, November 17, 2008

Just thinking out loud


I'm Sorry
Responsibility, how I wish I could just ignore that word. To be free of it's yoke, to just be able to  live and enjoy each day. When did life become a drag and each day a burden ,days are something to just get through now. Success being measured in just reaching the next day. It seems such a long time ago that I looked forward to each day. I enjoyed my work,I had plans which I carried out and received a sense of achievement.

I know that things are beginning to get on top of me. I have become even more aggressive, I cannot function amongst people at all. I need space......I need to drop my responsibilities and just disappear for a short while,become someone new. Alright one with a few health problems but someone that doesn't necessarily need to deal with it everyday, going with the flow. I would like to do what I always used too , just up and wonder off,rucksack, one change of clothes a few bits and bobs and an active passport. I left that all behind 22 years ago when I remarried, now everything is planned around others. Don't get me wrong I love my family but for a few years now I feel trapped.

What always interested me wasn't interaction with people but being able to watch and observe them. To see how they differed , lived and enjoyed life and got on with their everyday things. To sit and take in the different smells, sounds and colours of a place. It wasn't the getting there that I liked , because it never mattered where there was, it was the being there.
The accumulation of things has never been a big deal for me,I have never had the need to measure myself against another. Due to  my health it was unimportant, with a family though you do tend to accumulate things, I was fortunate in the need to have to have a fall back kitty stashed within range. But that isn't in -exhaustible and probably will run out soon. If I was alone it wouldn't matter to me, but I'm not and will never forget that. I haven't a fear of death, it is my constant companion and I've shaken death's hand on a few occasions. So far it has been flying visits but my feeling is that soon enough it will become, party full time.

I am not depressed funny enough, I just feel a sense of being let down. I don't really know why.I haven't been let down by anyone. I'm not gregarious so the few friends I have on or off line have never let me down . Maybe it is that I feel that I have let myself down, but looking back I have done better than most and more than a lot of others. So it isn't that.I guess it is that my feeling is one of knowing that no matter if I beat the Hep C virus or not,I will not recover from the damage that has been done. My cirrhosis damage isn't reversible and it is very close to the end stages, I've yet to meet or have heard of anyone that has reversed the damage when the biggest part of their liver is totally blocked.Something must break eventually and my haemophilia will do the rest. Sad, yes, but not a thing of personal choice. As to choice, I have decided that in the end days I will not try to battle against things and will go untouched by any more medical interventions. I would like to be with my family , have a pleasant and fun day then .......

Still it isn't now and maybe not in the near future, but eventually will be there for me, as it is for all of us. I just prefer ,if given the chance, to go out laughing than to be miserable and tired of life. This is a personal reflection on my life. I hope it doesn't drag a reader down but you cannot ,not, have these moments.....

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Alright so some are disgusted! Personally I think we all can be too serious all the time or funny but not having fun.   16 Lovely that, nice shape ,small waist yep.....


 





















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