Wednesday, September 17, 2008

Damn traffic circle . Where do you exit?

computer-programmer-copyright2 It seems that my life in the last month has centred around my bed, chair or computer area. Recently I heard a quote that went basically along these lines."Beauty is viewed from within, for beauty to be perceived it must be held within the perceiver,Without the perceiver holding inside their being the perception of beauty it can hold no significance." I never ever thought of it that way before, I have an inner beauty ,it is in stark contrast to my exterior. I truly don't know what to do with my life at this very moment. It has been so long since I have been at peace with myself , let alone with the world. This Hep C virus has taken and shaped my last ten years.I have fought it for what seems forever and after my last pcr result showing I once again relapsed, feel let down.I expected it but it wasn't any easier to live with. I have been battling the active side effects of chronic hepatitis for more than eight years, all that I have gained is a greater knowledge of the illness, enough to write a book. But I am feeling defeated, never the optimist I always had humour and hope to sustain me , even hope has deserted me now.
I needed to be actively doing something to improve my position with my fight to control the disease, that has now been taken from me and I feel destroyed, I cannot re-treat I am older but back where I started my first fight. My option now isn't an option, it is only one of waiting and surviving long enough for new treatments to be made available.
For the record this is a true account of my present symptoms of viral attack.
Muscle wastage, my muscles have no definition any more I barely have the strength to move let alone anything else.The rosy ,round patches, are now raised more distinct and itch ferociously. The constant dull headache has become an incessant throb and heaviness in the forehead. Night sweats are regular and more copious. My mucous membranes seem to have dried up and I barely make any saliva, my eyes are dry and it feels raspy when I blink. Crocodile skin is now alligator skin with big dry flaky patches. All my nails are rotten and cracking from the nail bed upwards. Every one of my joints ache and give pain. Inside I have a sense of panic and agitation as if I am on edge all the time. Right quadrant pain is excruciating, I feel constantly bloated. Fluid retention is becoming extreme ,so is the dark foul smelling watery mud that my bowls evacuate. I have constant reflux and loss of appetite . I am gaining weight and it isn't from any food source, I barely eat and when I do eat I suffer for a long time. I cannot take being with or around people in any situation and have no ability or the will to make decisions. I have lost any drive I had , find it almost impossible to maintain any ability to sustain any prolonged exertion. I find myself unable to cope with work and the stress is now coming back to bite me and those I care for.
This is very depressing and so on this note will end my post for now.

1 comment:

LaurieBluesGuy said...

If I may be so bold to rmind you of the words you typed old mate (and I quote) : -

"
I have fought it for what seems forever and after my last pcr result showing I once again relapsed, feel let down.I expected it but it wasn't any easier to live with. I have been battling the active side effects of chronic hepatitis for more than eight years

"

You may have noticed the words "fought it" and "battling", and in the darkest times just remember what you are - A TRUE FIGHTER !

B cool bro,

Lau