Monday, June 2, 2008

Where the wind blows

There isn't a lot happening on the hepatitis front at the moment. I am getting progressively stronger, my head is clear and  tiredness not so acute. Still not sure if I will achieve svr but will find out in July. I still have short periods of depression and the fluid retention is still problematical, right upper quadrant pain has reverted to it's usual grumbling, present but bearable. Bleed wise nothing major just the usual inconveniences. I can live with the present state of my health. I, in common with many heppers, have been left with the question of what direction should I put my life. I seem to lack the want or need to do anything, is it depression or just an uncertainty of doing or planning something which I may not be able to follow through on I don't know. But there is no rush and the path is a slow meander.
I want to talk about those around me who have been affected by my illness. Only now can I take a step back and look how changes have occurred in them. Having few friends but a lot of acquaintances I can see those who have actually been there for support. Those who's association has been just for their benefit and those who run, scared of being asked for help.

Family wise in some ways I am disappointed but not surprised.
Since my mothers death last year not one of my uncles or aunts, and I have 20 +,have been bothered to make contact and have no time to chat if I contact them. Well sod them I asked for nothing and expect nothing  of them. My brother and I have become closer , though separated by distance. My daughters are being teenagers and  need a real kick in the pants, they will have too learn the hard way as I have nothing to teach them of life, they know it all. My wife has had it worse than me. It affects her greatly and has looked for any way to support me.She worries that I am not letting her know the full truth and is always panicking  at every little sign of illness on my part. I wish she would just relax and go with the flow. Love doesn't describe what she has for me and I fear that if it is my time she will just give up life. She deserves more than me. But at least she has found her faith and draws strength from it.

It is not surprising the racial conflicts that have occurred here lately. It isn't driven by race or fear truthfully, but by jealousy and greed. Poverty isn't a functional excuse for the deaths and hurts inflicted. Poverty is not an infliction it is a description and is only a comparison used to describe a difference in life styles. What is poverty to some may be wealth else where. Personal respect for others and being happy with what you have makes a perfect life. I was once asked how I could give a certain guy a mouthful of his own arse.  I should respect him because he was a multi millionaire. My reply was I wasn't impressed by other peoples money it didn't impress me, it only impressed me if it was in my account. He isn't superior to me but was less than me by having no respect for another. Care, love, respect, regard and patience shown to others are what is deserving of respect.

I am getting that feeling of delving in my past again so maybe it is time for a walk along my path some time soon. I have many

1 comment:

LaurieBluesGuy said...

Hi col,

haven't visited the blgo for a while. Frightened to after yesterdays rugby result. Anyway - back to hep c . The time waiting for results is a pain in the arse, I was lucky enough to be busy and take my mind off it. Don't dwell on it was my state of mind - do something else. As for friends and relatives ? - Always found it surprisng. The people I thought would jump to help weren't there. The people you never expected to help were only too eager.

I guess we just don't know who our true mates are til a crisis. Lost a few on the way, but then I realised that they just weren't worth keeping.

Stay strong, stay optimistic. Drop me a line whenever you need to.

B cool bro,