Thursday, June 12, 2008

Early on my journey cont.

It is a shame with age you lose that innocence of childhood. That belief in the world where everything is real, the impossible possible and that enthusiasm for new things a daily occurrence.
That was the reality of life for me after that first winter as a child. I stopped being a child and lost my belief.  Certain responsibilities were put on me, I had to do the shopping , pay the accounts and cook the food. I also had to look after my brothers, due household chores, go to school and do part time jobs to earn money which my parents took so that there was money in the house. No  real big deal for me. It was all part of life. For the next 4 -5 years that was it. Clothes were second hand or even older, school uniforms out and you got by on what there was. We were clean if not threadbare, my younger brothers would tend to come first for most things, clothes, toys, shoes you name it. It wasn't strange for me it was just how I was raised with that sense of responsibility for the family from a very early age. Read back in my blog, the early days. It was hard at the time, made fun of by kids of my area, looked down on as being a tramp it was lucky that I never developed a hatred and a complex over things in those days.  What I did have was a great sadness and a feeling of being alone in the world. This hasn't changed with age, I trust and rely only on myself and plan for all eventualities. I can function quite happily totally alone.

It can bring a sense of shame being poor. You can't join in on school trips, you don't go places because there isn't the money. Christmas wasn't a time of excitement nor birthdays, no presents and no special treats, it was just another day. My school had a uniform dress code , the only thing I possessed was the tie and would stick out like a sore thumb. I had put on that growth spurt at 14 eventually reaching my 6 ft 3 ins in height. Also I started getting fat, eating was life's only pleasure and by then I could cook quite well.  ( Today cook even better than most professionals, though I consider myself fat , I am not, just have a fat image of myself. I am a big guy with a big frame and weigh in at a reasonable weight for my build.) I got used to being on my own with no friends from school. Even today I make very few friends, I prefer my own company. It is easier that way. One thing I can say is that I learned to survive back then, self reliance, what is truly important in life and that money and appearance is not what makes a person. It gave me understanding and compassion for others, satisfaction in what you have and the ability to achieve things by effort and not being afraid of failing. But in life you learn that people are judgemental and they see you as what is outside and not who you are......I am completely different than who I look like, I tend to frighten people , big and unfortunately aggressive looking. But in fact I am not aggressive, I have nothing but a sense of humour and the willingness to help others. I am what I am not what you see.



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