Saturday, May 3, 2008

Bend in the road

As you walk generally you can see for a little distance ahead. But what when you have a little bend coming up. I have one at this moment in life. I have no view on what is coming up.
There are decisions that have to be made and I am undecided. The weariness that came with me for the last few months of my Hcv treatment is dissipating, though an insomniac I am feeling rested from the few minutes I sleep. What is happening is that I have got physically old these last 20 odd weeks. Also mentally old, I can no longer sustain the drive to push past all the ills and afflictions that I have to each day and have succumbed to defeat.A couple of years ago I would ignore any pain and just carry on the best I could, doing  what ever to get through it. At this moment in time I fear for the coming days. I hurt , I can't handle it any more. By manipulating the drugs I take, my liver is now once again under control, the fluid retention due to albumin much less. But my right foot toe joints have been damaged, from the very fact that I ignored any pain and just dealt with the consequences at night when I can rest them. All my lower joints are damaged ,haemophilia does that to you. TX aggravates it.At last my employer is putting pressure on me, I DON'T BLAME HIM, he has been a good genuine friend(as opposed to a boss) and has put up with more than would be accepted from an employee by anyone.
Now I can come to that bend ahead. Will I ever get well enough to perform my duties at work again. Heading for 52 will I be able once again to find a job which I can physically handle. Not stupid, I have various qualifications and experiences in different fields. But all include a measure of physicality which is gradually growing harder for me to maintain.  I don't seem to have many options, I can't go back and I can't stay where I am and there is no side ways diversions. There is two ways of looking at this point on the path. Is it the start of a new and different journey or is it just the end of my present one..... At least it isn't raining.
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

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