Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Tripping or stumbling down the path

Well I haven't added any personal news for a while. I have finally completed treatment. Have been clear since 17 weeks. For a while it looked like I wouldn't do the full course. Financial politics again. But I have got past the tape. Financially and emotionally it has been a struggle. You tend to become very self centred on treatment. It becomes your prime focus in life, relationships do suffer, your support team get tired of the same old ,same old and start to loose interest or patience. A just get over it attitude starts surfacing, on TX you become hyper sensitive to the minutiae of social interaction and feel deserted by those you have the most regard for. I have had several treatments and medical procedures over the last few years, been ill for about 7, I have this horrible feeling of guilt that I drag around with me. The main thing is that there is not a shocking change in your health , it is so insidious that it is not noticed that you are ill by those you see regularly. Most of the anger on treatment is actually self hate, why can't you look sick, there are times that you need to be just simply loved, hugged and made to feel safe and wanted. Because it has been a long illness, these times are not noticed by those you hold in your heart of hearts, a feeling of rejection and anger starts building. Pure selfish anger is the result, not a feeling of hate ,but one of need and not being able to vocalise it. If you did it wouldn't fulfil the need that caused it, that is one of being loved, needed and wanted.Presents are better received when not asked for, some times you need that unasked for gift of feeling that you are still someone. That is how it is with me, I am not ashamed to say it I can cope on my own, but there is a big difference in being able to cope and one  of being part of some thing. Love you all ,even those who dislike me XX col

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