Thursday, March 13, 2008

GUESS I AM THE NUT

all_avatarsB Well talking myself up didn't work.I've been decimating a whole forest by myself wiping my backside. Must be very gentle and use the softest paper ow. Yes I have the screaming trots as if I don't feel weak enough already, staying  hydrated is a problem as the fluids are just rushing thru. So like many I am frazzled, so weak a geriatric could steal a sweetie from my mouth. No work for me for at least a couple of days, donations can be made to.......Just joking,I am not even on the poverty line yet, but it would be nice to earn some new money. My self esteem has taken a big knock,I am stronger than this ,well at least I think I am which is most of the battle.There are less than subtle signs of stress beginning to show in the facade that I have created around me. You get what you see with me and in the last couple of months it is me in the raw. After 20 odd years of marriage it is beginning to show little chips of wear and tear. It is purely me, I know it and no  matter how I try I am showing the signs of bi -polarism. It is not controllable and it has no switch ,the mood swing is immediate and vicious. What is worse is I have the ability and the knowledge of how to be the most destructive force you can imagine, physically, emotionally and mentally, not good. Just imagine a Norseman in battle going berserk, 120 kg of unflinching un- hurtable madness, mind just a vibrating mass of anger and wanting to destroy. That's me , that's how it feels.  When it passes I feel physically sick, ashamed of letting myself down. I shake all over, my mind is jumping  from one thought to another. I'm so wired that I have no strength left in my muscles and they twitch in spasm from cramps. My ears feel blocked and I have that pressure between the eyes and in the nose that usually means nose bleed. I just hope that it is the sides from TX and not what is left for me. The funny thing is you can handle the feeling of illness and most of the other crap that comes with Hcv but there is always that one thing .........

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