Thursday, February 21, 2008

Why me?


The face that people see,is one of a person who copes with all the bitter things  that life throws at him.I wish it was so, but there are times when I tire. No secret I'm on Hcv treatment, but it isn't that,I am weaning off anti-depressants, it isn't that.What it is ,partially, it is like a long distance marathon runner, you start your race, you suffer during the race, shear will power to finish drives you on ,past your normal endurance and then the worst part of such a race approaches. You catch sight of the finishing line. There it is, reachable and directly in front of you. It doesn't spur you on though, it does the opposite, everything that has occurred during the race, the stress , the pain the exhaustion all come crashing in. All that is left is will power and that is fading fast. This is the time when the supporters bare you thru, they lift you up emotionally and drag you by shear force of spirit over the line. Today I feel alone, for a while I have been able to get thru things by supporting others, it gave things a purpose. Today I need support, but it isn't in my nature to ask for it. There has always been a hope that people would get to know me, like me for who I am and see when there is something wrong. I have been I suppose, mistaken and I am still the closed and difficult individual I was. Maybe that is how I need to be in this life, it got me so far on with living, private and closed I can cope.
I think that by blogging and keeping some sort of journal I can satisfy that need in me , to release a bit and not have any responsibility towards those who read, it is after all  a monologue no inter action of dialogue.
I have decided lately to gradually move away from the forums, I have become a little too involved. I don't really fit in as I am always under the impression that I just make up the numbers, I am too far away and to different in my thoughts to make people feel comfortable with me. I went on to face book and that isn't the great social engine it is supposed to be. It is a place of gimmicks and often childish and inane little packages. This stops actual thought and realistic contact. It should be a place of meeting, with facility to make new and to reestablish old acquaintances. all the add on's take that away. It is if anything a meeting place for the bored. I surf to much on the web, the amount of information is unbelievable and the way of tracing things and people fascinating.

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