Monday, February 4, 2008

A thought out of line.

I have found lately that I am in need of communication with others. Like my body my brain needs stimulation, I spend too much time in one way communication on the Internet, For a short while I amused myself with sorting out my web browser problems, that is in the past now. Too snap out of my lethargy, whether tired or feeling ill ,I walk at least 7 km, out of bed by 5 .30 , washed , dressed etc  by 6 .15. The rhythm of what used to be my natural day coming back in sinc. With no schedule you tend to slide into lax and lazy routines which are no encouragement to advancing with getting back to normal. Still not well enough to work I think some of it is fear of not being able to cope. It is safer to hide and withdraw from society, yes I have trouble with coherent and  sustainable thoughts, a constant numb headache and those sudden losses of energy. But I can't hide for ever. If tx fails again that's it for me, not for the sake of trying. Emotionally , physically and financially I can't maintain any more of it. It has been 3 years of nearly constant tx, with gaps of course in between, my support base has eroded as they also can only take so much of the illness. At this moment in time it doesn't look like I have been able to stop more damage to my liver. With 8 more weeks of treatment I will fight thru till the end. The results of my recent liver biopsy immaterial as I do not fall within the qualifying stats for transplant and know of no fellow bleeders who have had successful transplants. At least not here in Sa, I simply don't qualify and that's that, end of story.If eventually I succumb to the cirrhosis I have a few things I haven't done that I want to do before I die. Things that I have never been deemed fit enough to do but if it kills me what do I lose, a little time. I don't think that I am one of those who will fight till the bitter end ,but I will go out on my terms and refuse to be dictated to by a bug I haven't even seen. Realistically my affairs are in order, accounts paid , no debts my youngest almost an adult and my wife with her own life ,having no financial burdens and more than capable of carrying on with her life without me. For that I have a satisfaction of achieving with all the distractions of health just as well as those supposedly able bodied. Also in small ways I have left my mark on history, effected a few lives and lived.

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