Saturday, December 15, 2007

THE ups AND DOWN days

It was too good to be true, I after 2 months  I was getting my act together, feeling better , and getting on top of the treatment sides that I battle with. Nothing to do with Christmas as I'm not really into the advertising standards ,that have been set on us ,that to enjoy the time you must give and spend. What is Christmas, a fat jolly red dressed man punishing reindeers and house breaking, or is it a religious festival.
Not being safe to drive in Cape town with the affects that I have I felt I decide to go on a works function with the wife. I felt secure enough to be able to handle the rabid driving of the stockyard drivers of the western cape. Giving myself 2 hours to drive 27km I felt that I was going to have to wait around for my work friends. I ended up travelling about 12km in 1.5 hours. Road works, inconsiderate drivers, drunken drivers, unsignposted detours, road name changes made it a night mare. Lunch was at 2 , at 1,45 I was still stuck in traffic, people cutting in from all round the clock, even trying to push you out of their way. Angry, bad tempered and ready to rip another a hole in someone just for the fun of it, I gave up. Yes I travelled 27 km, I didn't reach my destination and it took me over 4 hours to do it. Nothing really out of the ordinary in this stuffed up burocratic regimen. Bad town planning , corrupt officials to many gravy train riders, not sufficient or efficient or safe public transport. No parking and the only way to get to places is from town. No ring roads and the main routes only branch there. So enjoy world cup 2010 Cape town ,once your here you are stuck here and the only views you get are as you crawl past at less than walking pace.

There are days when you are on treatment that the whole world seems to be acting against you. T he common answer is it is a side effect of the treatment. I wish it were something so simple, it is the part of you just below the surface. The Mr Hyde personality that lays dormant. I think that in your psych there are little rooms for each part of the whole you. Some of them, swing door rooms and others sealed progressively tighter depending on what is stored. My treatment only provides the key allowing certain doors to be opened easily. I had been struggling for a few weeks lately with little problems, none in themselves much to deal with, but combined a dreadful load to carry. I am tired, tired with a weariness for this life itself. Yet two days ago I was on a high and felt at peace with things. Just one little disappointment a little frustration and a dollop of disappointment in something I was looking forward to it was to drive me beyond control. I feel the need to lash out and share the knot of conflicting thoughts and emotions. To pull another down into this pit with me, but I have no outlet for this anger. No way to relieve the frustration I feel, how can I allow someone to feel torn up, a thing of no regard. I can’t share this, it is not words it pure feeling, beyond any descriptions. A hodge podge of turmoil. It has only one way of being described, I at my age, am feeling like a lost child and I need my mummy to kiss it better.

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