this will be deleted .

There has been a reason why I haven’t written here for a long time. Mostly it has been bitterness that drew me away from putting my thoughts down.Also it has been a kind of sadness. The likelihood of my ever doing another course of treatment is very remote. Mainly because I haven’t the finances left to carry on trying, the strength to do so, nor the ambition to do months of treatment only to fail once again.
The preceeding months to this short note haven’t been the best times of my life. I have grown weaker in body. Needing to use my upper body strength a lot to get by for simple things like simply standing, it has finally failed me. I no longer have the sustained strength to exert the muscle action to do just such a simple taken for granted thing . I tried to return to work early last year and even quite recently. Recently, more through necessity than last years failed attempts. I find I get confused quite easily now. I battle to hold a train of thought for any period of time. I get big blank periods where I ‘m not sure what I am doing or where I am.The cramping of my legs and arms are painful and regular. the loss of sensation below my knees almost complete. They feel like strange attachments ,not part of me but very sensitive to anything that scratches or presses on the skin. The loss of sensation is more one of a lack of feeling deep inside my lower limbs. I feel pressure but it seems like I have had the limb go permanently asleep on me. Hard to explain as I am loosing the ability to form words. I forget .
I have been left with a feeling of disappointment in my long time employer. I worked at the company from almost the day it opened, I worked for low pay when it was in difficulties. Worked 30hr shifts without a break when the pressure was on. Took problems home to try and solve them for the following day. Times when I was injured on duty I just carried on working to get the job out. I did this and more for 24 years. I received not one penny in all that time that I didn’t work for. In fact I had been short paid frequently, had holidays not paid to me. Went 2-3 weeks a few times when the money was short before I my salary was paid. All that never really bothered me that much. what is upsetting is I get a phone call that they want me to resign one day, 2 days later I get another call, no I must come back too work as they were overloaded. I worked for a week or so but this sickness is too strong and I was getting sicker daily. So I told them that I couldn’t do the heavy work that they wanted. So 3 days later they want me to resign again. So I said no fire me. What I get is an e-mail from a secretary saying there is a letter I need to pick up.( Wouldn’t say what it was about). The letter was all the necessary papers needed for the unemployment office. Not a thank you for your service, card or even a letter wishing me well with my life. They even made an appointment time so that I would pick it up when the owner/boss wasn’t there. So I hope the little snot nosed bum boy catches a syphilitic sore which rots his festering ,kiddie ,didling ,knob off. The butt licker didn’t even invite me for Xmas lunch this year past and I had worked 4 months in that year.I wish him a long and prolong life, where he can suffer long and slowly, as parts of him rot and fall off.The last thing, seconds before he melts into a putrid puddle of puss, that he will feel or smell in this world is the big pile of shit he is. Wow that feels good.lol.

I’ll delete this later but that was cathartic..And bugger if I don’t publish it with the hopes that one of these hoar's from the pits of hell that scratch his ballsack  read this and tell him.

Today

There is a great sadness in me.
It didn’t come suddenly .It has grown in the months post my last relapse report.I put a lot of energy into doing the treatments. There was hope that I would actually beat it. I still do ,but circumstances are against me and I for one cannot see away clear of things. I have had to fight all my life to have one that at least held the semblance of normalcy. Up to recently I had always managed to work around things and through effort achieve what was necessary. Outwardly I look healthy enough, it isn’t always the way the the virus shows it’s presence,the way you look. Fatigue and other things like stiffness, water retention, pain and what we call brain fade had driven me to do the treatments. Been 6 years now,since I first treated, maybe the progression was slowed by the treatments. But my functionality has increasingly reduced. Discomfort has multiplied and I have never been so weary of life as I am now. My body and spirit is tired.
Financially I’m, so to say, in the kennel.This illness has taken from me my health, such as it was. My wealth and the spark of what was me. Nothing left. The last few months I have been trying to find a way to survive in the world, pay bills and continue receiving some form of medical treatment . I have found no solution, the will to work and earn is there , but in reality I no longer have the capability.

To survive each month I have had to pare back on my standard of living. Draining my savings and investments. All the time hoping that I will start to improve health wise and get going earning again. Dieing now is the reality for me. I accepted that a long time ago, I had hoped that it would be quick and relatively easy. But it seems I will go out slowly , struggling and finally hating life. I only hope that it will not be too messy an occasion.
I have no wish to see my family, dragged by my expenses in trying to remain alive, living in poverty. I know what stress finances has put on me, that doesn’t help my health either. The stress it is causing my wife and our relationship is getting a bit much now. It is all I treasure, have treasured in life. So it may be time now to plan that party.
Sorry I can’t invite my friends ,but this will be a one man occasion I’m afraid.
But one thing I can honestly say. I tried my best. I did it almost alone and apart from a few words, mainly platitudes, received no actual support from any one.
Financially the company I worked for has not given me a cent more than I worked for. If anything they have actually taken from me, what they owe and haven’t paid for ,quite often over the last 24 years. They have been no help at all. I have had to find out all what I may be entitled too on my own.
Find out who I may need to contact about the legalities of my next move without assistance from the management.
I could actually drop them in the shit as I know where the skeletons lie and what illegal transactions were done, but I will not.With them I feel disappointment not anger. Their turn to stand in my shoes will come.
Do I feel bitter, yes I suppose I do. But then again it will get me no where.

This is today. A blue day. I have had a few consecutive blue months. I think I’m allowed that indulgence.
 

Thus it rolls to a gentle halt.

It has been that kind of year for me. It started with promise and spluttered along for a few months and then just went I don’t know where . Can’t say it has been a bad year. Any year that you can see to the end must rate up there amongst the best . Can’t say I have had worse, the words “it will get better” spring to mind, I probably have, but they are far back in the place of no affect and little regard. The most out standing occurrence is I have actually got through to the end of this less than remarkable year.               
For me the fight against the virus is over, not my willingness to fight against it, just my financial ability to do so. Survival is all that counts now. Finding the resources to provide for my family for an undefined period alludes me. I am no longer capable of work, it is also a bit of a moral kick in the pants how I have been treated by those at work . Discarded , consigned to the trash heap. If I was bothered to feel anything for the plebes who have back stabbed me so they can work over time and give me false plastic smiles and sly words that they want me back at work, which is a blatant lie. I would get a bit of satisfaction of dropping them in the mire . But they are not worth the spittle necessary for me to part my lips. Yes I am slightly miffed. But I OWE NO MAN ANYTHING and refuse to be put in that position .
So for me, any treatment has flown past it’s sale date. No work. no cash , no prospects. Next year can only be an improvement on this one. There was for a time a great sadness in me, but that has passed. Truly one is as alone as you make yourself. I needed to be alone , probably still do. So as it bumps to an end I have a lot to find next year , how much strength I have in me to move on and beyond.

Nunc Demitus

Today is the one of many similar non events. The filler in ,between days. The only thing to remark about this one is I woke up, eventually.Will I comment on how my body is functioning, probably not. I am alive and I guess that is better than a lot who didn’t make it through the night.Am I depressed, clinically yes, but I have had much worse and still found my own presence with me.What has changed? I am no longer me, I’m not even someone else. I am nothing, neither dead nor alive I am just here.
Burned out, tired of life and tired of being.
You imagine that when you are drawing near to the end of things that you get a sense of release. That time when you have achieved that what was meant for you.I guess it is not so. I think it more a slide into not really giving a damn because it doesn’t matter for you any more.
If it was a case of accumulating positive thoughts and prayers, hugs and good wishes. Then I should have an over abundance of such things.
Inside I hold tears which I have no way of releasing. There comes no respite, I dream the dreamless sleep of those who are world weary. My tiredness is not just physical, it is me. My spirit, hopes and thoughts are tired. It isn’t the tiredness of well spent energy, of a good thing done of having achieved. It is the tiredness of those who have strived, put everything they have into achieving, only to have it taken from them at the last minute .Also ran’s in life. I am an also ran, although more of an also plod in my case. I am in the crowd, unremarked as a runner, of people in a marathon. The finishing line is just that little bit further on and out of sight. Who remarks about those who are not last, but fall out in the middle, who really cares.
Still not a good time for me to blog so this is it.

Just a chat

It is the first time for many weeks that I actually feel a little better. Strange that it is so, because for a couple of weeks now I have been fighting off the flu.Not the porcine variety, just the common , everyday virus. I think that for a while I shall leave the Hcv side of life alone. There is more to living than continuously trying to get on top of this pest. I have read enough and talked about treatments with many sources. At the moment I can do nothing, fit or ill doesn’t make a blind bit of difference what I try, so although I am not giving up I need to move on from here.
I wonder , even reading back on this blog , when I made the change from living to that of just existing.There has been a change and I have wasted this year for the most part. I guess in my inaction there has been a sense of security. If you do nothing you cannot fail and that is what I have done. I stopped doing things. Tiredness as got to be a habit, it is not that I don’t feel tired as I do.It is that I expect to feel tired and do less because of that expectation.

I do a lot of reading on forums.Although the names change, the general ebb and flow of the subject matter remains the same. There seems a greater turn over of members than before ,which could be that significantly more people are doing treatments and have obtained a positive result from doing so. But there also seem to be quite a few old slags like me who are still battling to get a grip on this thing. What I do notice is that it appears that people don’t read the old threads, so certain questions appear time and time again. I think that there is a bit to much technical information put about on forums. Okay for people like me who have been doing this for a long while ,we have grown use to the vernacular of treatment. But even then it takes a lot of knowledge to just get by. Why can’t things be just kept simple and so that you don’t need a degree to understand. A forum for Hcv dummy’s. There will always be people who like to know the ins and outs of a rats arse but the majority use simple speak and feel lost and hence don’t ask or post.
I think that Face book is actually a non social form of communication. People are so busy interacting with the use of the little gadgets that they forget to communicate in person. For me it may be a time to move on from that scene as it is not fulfilling any purpose other than filling in time without having to think. I don’t think I will totally leave it but I much prefer to chat in talk rooms and by e-mail. Apart from hundreds of kids in chat rooms these days there seems to be little adult and interesting discourse going on. Sad really.

Hcv the costs to a persons life ( thread closed)

My home town,Cape Town South Africa.Do you wonder why I love it here?

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When it comes to living your daily life with Hep certain things do get noticed although it may not be recognised at the time by you.Patience becomes very thin , short term memory does get affected. It seems that within minutes you can run through a whole gamut of emotions. Anger,sadness, being very alone, hate and viciousness. With the continuous contributions of the physical effects of having the active virus working 24/7 it is no wonder that you become depressed and exhausted. It is a trial trying to maintain composure, energy levels, hydration, exercise.Remembering to eat even if you have no appetite. In my case the constant itching and low grade headache. The pins and needles in the arms and legs, the dry eyes and gummy mouth. That strong metallic taste ever present. To remain constantly motivated is like a curse. You just want to give up , crawl off some where quiet and be left alone in your misery. But family , work and various other responsibilities have to be faced. It isn’t easy. With most illnesses the people in your every day environment expect that treatment will make you better and that in a short time all will be well. They have no conception of the slowness of anything when related to Hep c. Treatments are long and that any result will take quite often years to be fully realised. I myself on the most part don’t look well, but then again I don’t look sick either. Often the effort to maintain social relationships are too much to handle and slowly over time they drop away. You leave the active world and the only place left you have is the web forums. You actually become afraid to get involved with anything out side this little world you have retreated too. I find that a type of panic sets in if I have to do anything that is outside my immediate surrounds. I have become terrified of my work environment, insecure and unsure if what I am doing is up too scratch. I have lost my confidence. Things seem to be going so fast and so much is going on and I just cannot keep up or take it all in at once. Reading the threads and personal blogs of people on forums and webs I find that it is not unique to me. I and others have become virtual people who have only a virtual world for succour.

Hcv the cost to a persons life post 4

There comes a question of pain.Very few of us can go through life without experiencing pain in one form or another. My health problems apart from the Hcv infection has made pain almost a constant companion. I cannot say that the infection has made things worse in that regards, but I will say it has made it harder to manage and handle  any pain. Have things grown in severity? I think not. I probably have too much time these days to dwell on it , hence I guess I have a greater awareness that things hurt.

The problem comes in how you manage pain. For the most part these days I pop a sleeping tablet and sleep through it. For me that is the lesser of the two evils. I have only recently been taking something for sleep, so my body has not grown used to the medications and hence low doses help. Not one to have abused pain medication, but due too a life time of having taken increasingly stronger tablets and drugs, pain meds potency has decreased with time. The increasing stronger and higher doses of very active and damaging pain meds are not good too my system. I guess my body has become so used to various legal opiates that the relief from pain is growing less with use. So these days I restrict myself to when I use them,the amount and strength of the drugs that I need to get relief would probably seriously hurt most individuals. It has to be a case of I’d rather cut off that which hurts than go through that pain before I will take them.
There are things that I do find that help in their own small ways. Meditation where I put myself in to a place which is calming and apart from what is around me. Breathing exercises which help oxygenate and release endorphins. Massage which relaxes and stimulates the muscles increasing blood flow and removing toxins from the flesh. Warm baths, not hot, which relaxes and releases the tensions of painful parts. I’ve tried self hypnosis and acupuncture as well. The acupuncture isn’t for me though. I tend to have small bleeds at the sites afterwards, it isn’t anything to remark on but I don’t want to push my luck.(having a bleeding disorder makes it a bit chancy).

The thing is , we are all different, we all feel pain in different ways and in vastly different amounts. There is no need to suffer unnecessarily ,find what works for you and use it.

Pain wasn’t what made me push the doctors for the cause of what I was feeling. Having lived with and worked with pain it wasn’t that which drove me to chase a solution. What it was that led to my final diagnosis was something else. One was, I wasn’t happy with being diagnosed with having an enlarged heart. I didn’t believe that the increase in blood pressure was from my life style. working too long a day and work stress. Two, I didn’t believe that the cause of my continuous lack of energy and the reduction in drive was from being pre-diabetic. I ate far too healthily for that to be the reason. Three, the brown staining on my legs wasn’t due too my blood disorder, if it was why had it taken 40 years to show? Having been around a few people that had liver problems I knew that the legs and feet looked like theirs. Four, I picked up weight too easily. I used to struggle with maintaining my weight when I was younger. Haemophiliacs need to keep a little weight on to cushion the bony joints when knocked. But I picked up 20 kg in weight in six months and I was dieting to keep the weight off.Because of a diagnosis by one of the top cardiologists everything was disregarded by the specialists. I was suffering from hyper tension and an enlarged heart and was a type 2 diabetic. All of which was proved to be wrong later. As I have said previously in other posts it was luck that the real cause was found. At that time I had Hbv and a low viral count positive for Hcv. I still wonder if a true diagnosis had been made would I be suffering from as much liver damage that I have subsequently incurred. Well that is in the past and cannot be changed, but I would suggest that if you are not happy with a diagnosis that you push as far as you can even if the primary diagnosis is correct. You never know.